What It Feels Like To Be A Ghost
by hopelessxlove
Summary: Malex.
1. The Things You'll Never Know

**What It Feels Like To Be A Ghost**

Just in the mood for Malex, so I don't really know where this is going to go. There will be lots of flashbacks, lots of things that never happened, but for the sake of this story did. So please bear with me, ideas and suggestions in the comments would be awesome as well. I'm still very unsure of where I want this to go, etc.

**Chapter One: The Things We'll Never Know**

Marissa sat up against the bed, her head resting on the wooden frame. Her eyes transfixed on the sleeping blond next to her. The figure next to her moved slowly, her chest rising with each breath she took in. Using her free hand, Marissa traced lightly against Alex's bare arm. The feeling of Alex's skin against her own caused her heartbeat to race.

Looking down at her hand, the ring Alex had given her sparkled. A sad smile adorned Marissa's face as she recalled the memory.

"_I hate you Alex!" Marissa had screamed, storming out of the bedroom.  
"No you don't."  
"Yes I do!" Marissa shot back, the smile on Alex's face gone.  
"What did I do now?" Alex questioned, quick on Marissa's heels.  
"You know what you did!"  
"No, I actually don't. I'm always doing something to piss you off; I'm sick and tired of this!" _

_Tears started to form in Marissa's eyes at Alex's remark. Instead of saying anything however, Marissa started to throw her clothes into a bag, letting the tears fall from her eyes. Alex merely stood in the corner, watching her, her arms crossed across her chest. _

"_What are you doing Marissa?" Alex asked, coming over to her.  
"What does it look like?"  
"Don't do this," Alex murmured, taking a hold of Marissa from behind and holding her tight.  
"What should I do then? All we do is fight." Marissa said, dropping her bag onto the floor.  
"Yeah, it's what we do. We fight, so what?"  
"I don't want to fight anymore."  
"I don't either, don't leave." Alex whispered into her hair. Marissa relaxed in her arms, and soon felt Alex's lips on her neck. Alex's lips nipped lightly; before Marissa felt a slight pressure on her neck, knowingly she knew there would be a mark. _

_Spinning around, Marissa's lips met Alex's. They moved slowly, neither of them looking to see where they were going, however they knew their way around the apartment so well that without even thinking they were walking backwards back towards the bedroom. _

_Taking control Alex pushed Marissa backwards onto the bed, a smirk on her face. Slowly she crawled on the bed, her fingers tracing the bare skin on Marissa's legs, trailing upwards to her arms. Putting her hands on Marissa's hips, Alex pushed their bodies together, bringing her lips to Marissa's. The kiss was light, and as Marissa kissed her back, the kiss only became more passionate. _

_  
Alex pulled away much to Marissa's dismay. Rolling onto her side, Alex reached over onto the nightstand a pulled a little robin's egged colored box out of a drawer. Rolling back over to face Marissa, Alex merely handed her the little blue box, unable to wipe the smile from her face. _

"_Tiffany's?" Marissa questioned, clearly excited.  
"How'd you ever guess?" Alex laughed.  
"Robins egg blue, white ribbon. Classic Tiffany's."  
"You going to open it?"  
"What is it?" Marissa asked, tugging at the white ribbon.  
"It's a gift for you."  
"But why?"  
"Are you protesting to a gift?"  
"No, but it must have been expensive." Marissa replied, taking the little lid off.  
"I just wanted you to have it." _

_Alex watched as Marissa opened the box, and pulled out the little blue bag. She unbuttoned the pouch, and poured a little ring out onto her hand. The smile never once left Alex or Marissa's face, Alex took the ring and slipped it onto Marissa's hand. Alex kissed Marissa's hand before, holding it in her own. _

"_I just wanted you to always know that I'm always going to be here for you, no matter what. I'm always thinking about you, so just remember that. I just never want you to forget that I love you, and I always will." Alex said looking into Marissa's glazed eyes.  
"Hey no crying, this is a happy moment." Alex murmured kissing her forehead.  
"We're going to be together forever, right?"  
"I promise." Alex said with a smile. _

Alex shifted slightly on the bed, startling Marissa out of her memory. Sliding down under the covers, Marissa leaned her body against Alex's, wrapping her arms around her. This was how it was supposed to be.


	2. Let There Be Morning

**What It Feels Like To Be A Ghost**

Okay, c'mon people! I got like two reviews for the first chapter! But a lot of story alert notifications! C'monn guys tell me what you think!!!! Anyways thanks for the reviews, they do mean a lot to me. Especially since I've started writing again, I just hope you guys are enjoying my work.

**Part Two: Let There Be Morning**

Alex rolled over onto her back, opening her eyes just slightly. Lately she hadn't been able to sleep, maybe a few hours at the most, never a deep slumber, hardly good dreams, not since she'd lost her. Tilting her head to the side, she looked at the empty space on her bed. The space Marissa had once occupied.

Tucking one hand underneath her head, she laid her other one on top of the space. There was a warmth emitting from the spot, Alex didn't know where it stemmed from, just assumed it was her own body heat transferring all over. Breathing in deeply, Alex could still Marissa's shampoo lingering on the pillows, and sheets. She found it more difficult to sleep, when she could smell Marissa. Often she'd be in bed and catch a whiff, and instantly lay awake for hours, trying to savor the scent that made her heart ache. It brought a much needed comfort, but also brought a batch of feelings Alex didn't want to deal with.

She closed her eyes, and was brought back to the memory of the first time Marissa had spent the night. The first time she had actually asked Marissa to stay over, not the first time Marissa had fallen asleep on the couch, but the actual first time she had asked her to stay.

"_Are you tired?" Alex had asked, turning off the television set.  
"A little bit, I should probably head home." Marissa said with a knowing look at Alex.  
"Stay tonight, if you want."  
"Are you sure?"  
"Yeah, I want you to." Alex answered, feeling a shyness creep up on her. _

_A smile spread across Marissa's lips, standing she held a hand out to Alex who gladly accepted. Together, following Marissa's lead, they headed straight for the bedroom, and Alex's welcoming bed. Alex lifted the blanket up, and motioned for Marissa to climb in. Once she was settled, Alex climbed in after her, making sure the blankets were tucked in around them to keep them warm. _

"_That's good Alex." Marissa said with a laugh.  
"I don't want you to get cold." Alex smiled, "You are a guest after all."  
"I think I'll be fine," Marissa replied, facing Alex and wrapping her arms around her, "Mmm comfy." _

_Alex shifted ever so slightly, so that Marissa's head was on her chest. Marissa's arms were still tightly wrapped around Alex's waist and she had no intention of letting go anytime soon. Pulling the blanket over both of their heads, Alex began to absentmindedly play with Marissa's hair. Her fingers moving through the loose waves. Marissa could feel Alex's steady breathing, and could feel her heart racing. _

"_You are the best pillow ever." Marissa stated after a few quiet moments had passed.  
"You are the best weight on my chest ever." Alex teased. _

_Marissa sat up abruptly at Alex's comment, mocking hurt. Alex sat up alongside Marissa, pulling her into her arms. _

"_Aww did I hurt your feelings?"  
"Maybe you did…."  
"How am I going to fix this? Oh I know!" Alex said with enthusiasm. She tilted Marissa's face towards her own and kissed her forehead ever so gently.  
"I guess for now that works, but I want something nice later. And expensive." Alex rolled her eyes at Marissa's comment, and laid back down pulling Marissa with her. They both lay on their sides, Alex pulling Marissa closer to her body, with no indication of letting go. She tucked her head into the back of Marissa's neck and closed her eyes. Feeling at complete peace with everything in her life, the smell of Marissa began to lull her to sleep. _

Opening her eyes, Alex's eyes once again swept the empty spot. It had been two weeks, exactly fourteen days since Marissa had been there. It was the longest time she and Marissa had ever been apart, and Alex was aching for her. Her arms were aching for Marissa's body to hold, her mind was aching for Marissa's voice, her eyes aching for Marissa's face, and her heart was simply aching for the girl it loved.

This wasn't how it was supposed to be.


	3. Fuzzy Blue Lights

**What It Feels Like To Be A Ghost**

Thank you for the feedback, it surely does mean a lot to me. Also to 'Dam' I'm glad you don't hate me anymore! Haha. There's some confusion I think as to what is going on between the whole Alex and Marissa thing, so this chapter should make everything a bit more clear. Don't hate me, this was what I had intended upon.

**Part Three: Fuzzy Blue Lights**

Alex blinked for the hundredth time that hour, after waking up in the middle of the night she'd only been able to get another two hours worth of shut eye. Looking at her alarm clock, she knew it would begin ringing in two minutes. She'd been lying awake for the last hour.

Sighing loudly, Alex contemplated getting up before the alarm. However the warmth of the bed kept her confined and she couldn't decide if it was even worth getting up for. If Marissa were next to her though, she knew for a fact she wouldn't get up, except she wasn't. Kicking the covers off, Alex pushed the snooze button before it had a chance to ring at her.

Sitting on the edge of the bed Alex rubbed her face wearily, mentally preparing herself for another day, another day without her. Making her way to the bathroom, Alex brushed her teeth and washed her face. Noting the semi bags forming underneath her eyes, she looked tired. Heading back to her room, Alex threw on a pair of running shorts and a sweatshirt, she tied her running shoes on the steps outside her apartment and began running a slow pace. Slowly she upped her speed, while letting her body warm.

Half an hour later Alex returned, drenched in her own sweat. She headed straight for the shower, and after standing underneath the hot water for ten minutes emerged with rosy skin. Throwing on a pair of ripped jeans, and a black t-shirt, she made her way to the kitchen. Sitting at the small table, she looked at the cereal box in front of her, not making a motion for it.

"_I made you breakfast," Marissa said setting the plate down in front of Alex, "Eggs!"  
"Marissa these are kind of brown looking." Alex said poking at it with her fork.  
"Okay so the eggs are a little over done…but here's some toast!" Marissa set down another plate._

Alex picked up the toast, which was clearly under toasted. She could feel Marissa's eyes on her, so she took a big bite and gave her a big smile while chewing. 

"_I'm not really a big breakfast person." Alex said after swallowing.  
"I want you to be though, breakfast is important. Do you just not like my breakfasts?"  
"No that's not it. I love your breakfasts, I love when you cook for me."  
"Then why aren't' you eating?"  
"I just prefer my eggs yellow, and my toast crunchy." Alex laughed aloud.  
"I try to do something nice for you, and you have to be a jerk about it."  
"No, I get it. You never had to do this because you had people do it for you, I love that you try to. But I think I need to teach you some tricks of the trade, especially when it comes to breakfast."  
"But you don't eat breakfast."  
"Yeah, but I still love pancakes and eggs," Alex said, "and bacon." She added as an afterthought. _

Alex remembered calling in sick that day to work, and spending the whole day cooking breakfast foods with Marissa. If only Alex had called in sick the day of the accident, if only Alex had done a lot of things. Maybe there wouldn't have been a chance of Marissa dying, of Marissa leaving her forever.


	4. Bend and Not Break

**What It Feels Like To Be A Ghost**

C'mon people, last chapter was supposed to be a turnover chapter where you realized what was exactly going on! I got two reviews….Two, and a bunch of story alert notifications. You guys can do better than this, right? I wanna know thoguhts, likes, dislikes, the whole nine yards. Or I mean a simple 'great update, pms!' is always welcome.

**Part Four: Bend and Not Break**

Alex poured drink after drink, for seven hours straight. She hadn't eaten all day, and knew that she should probably put something inside of her stomach, before it ate itself. However that thought sounded pretty good, because at least then she wouldn't have to deal with the feelings coursing throughout her mind.

Wringing the rag in her hands, Alex heard a throat clear. "We're closed" she stated not looking up.  
"Alex." The voice made Alex stop what she was doing, and look up. Her blue eyes met sad, red rimmed brown ones.  
"Hi" Summer said quietly, taking a seat along the abandoned bar.  
"Do you want anything to drink?" Alex questioned, before Summer could respond Alex placed two bottles of water on the counter.  
"How've you been doing?" Summer asked, resting her head on her elbow.  
"Okay"  
"Just okay?"  
"Yeah, I mean there's not much else I can feel in regard to everything that's happened."  
"I know what you mean."  
"What about you?" Alex questioned, already knowing the answer.  
"Pretty shitty. Cohen tries to help, but he doesn't really know what I'm going through. If anything he's just a nice distraction most of the time, he stops me from thinking about her."  
"I wish I could stop." Alex mumbled under her breath.  
"I don't think people understand what it's like to lose their best friend," Summer said, "or girlfriend." She added looking up at Alex, who seemed to stop moving at what she had said.

Alex began to twist the rag in her hands, not sure of what she should say. Her eyes began to dart around the room, trying to look anywhere except for Summer's face.

"I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable." Summer stated looking down at her hands.  
"No," Alex began, "It's fine, it's just still hard for me to talk about it, about her." Alex shrugged it off.  
"Do you want to talk about it? About her?" Summer questioned hesitantly.  
"Not really." Alex answered meeting her gaze.  
"Well if you ever do, you have my number." Summer stood from her seat, and gave Alex one last glance before heading back up the stairs and out of the bar.

Alex remained motionless, her mind unable to stop the memory from playing in her mind. The memory that had changed her life forever.

_Alex sat up in bed a book in her hands, glancing at the clock she realized it was almost midnight. Marissa had said she would be back in ten minutes, but it had already been an hour. Picking up her cell phone, Alex called Marissa. _

"_Hey babe." Marissa said picking up the phone.  
"Hey where are you?" Alex questioned.  
"You worried?" Marissa teased.  
"Maybe," Alex laughed, "You said you'd be back in like ten minutes."  
"I know the store I went to didn't have what I was looking for."  
"I thought you were just getting snacks."  
"Yeah, they didn't have any, well they didn't have the ones I wanted."  
"So you've been driving for an hour to get the ones you wanted?"  
"Pretty much."  
"You're cute." Alex laughed, "I could have just gotten them for you after work."  
"No it's okay, I don't mind getting them. But I'm gonna get off the phone, there's this ass tailing me."  
"Try not to break check him, I wouldn't want you to get into an accident or anything."  
"I'll try not to."  
"I don't want to lose you just yet." Alex laughed again.  
"Yeah cause you wouldn't know what to do if you did, I love you."  
"Love you too." _

_Another hour passed and Alex began to grow worried, she picked up her phone again and dialed Marissa's number, only this time it went straight to voicemail. Figuring Marissa's phone had died, Alex tried not to think much of it. Twenty minutes later, her phone began to ring. _

"_Alex there's been an accident." Seth said hurriedly, as if he were running.  
"What happened?" Alex questioned, her voice rising.  
"Marissa was in an accident."  
"Is she okay?"  
"I…." Seth said, before Alex distinctly heard Summer crying in the background.  
"You need to get to the hospital as soon as you can."He mumbled before hanging up. _

_Alex threw on a pair of jeans and a black hoodie before leaving the apartment. She drove well above the speed limit, and made it to the hospital in less than ten minutes. Making her way to the emergency room, she saw the entire Cohen family, including Summer. Everyone sat huddled around each other, Kirsten and Summer crying. _

_When Alex approached Seth looked up at her, his eyes sad. The whole family looked up at her, while Seth merely shook his head. Alex turned on the spot and ran out of the room. Her footsteps pounding on the linoleum and then the cement. _

"_Alex…." She heard Ryan say, stopping she turned to face him.  
"I'm sorry."  
"No, this..no she just talked to me." Alex managed out, her mind trying desperately to process everything.  
"Alex…" Ryan repeated gently, pulling her into his arms.  
"She told me she loved me." Alex mumbled into his shoulder unable to stop the tears. _

Alex laughed bitterly at the memory, never in a million years did she think she would have hugged Ryan, much less share a moment with him.

_Alex was led back into the emergency room, where Summer engulfed her, both girls crying desperately and holding onto each other for dear life. Neither one believing that Marissa was really gone. _

She remembered being allowed to see Marissa's body, broken and damaged but still beautiful. She was always going to be beautiful in Alex's mind.

Alex gave up on finishing the cleaning duties for the bar, she headed straight for her office, a bottle of vodka in her hand. Closing the door, she unscrewed the cap and brought the bottle to her lips. Never once taking a breath, she downed almost half the bottle. The taste not bothering her, the burning not bothering her. Nothing bothered her much these days.

Setting the bottle down on her desk, Alex stood a few minutes feeling the effects begin to settle in. She breathed in deeply, and smelled just the slightest trace of channel number five. Marissa's smell. Opening her eyes, Alex looked around the room desperately, her eyes landing on a figure sitting on the couch. Making her way over, Alex collapsed next to the figure.

"You're back." She murmured placing her hand on the figure's thigh.  
"For a little while yes."  
"Why'd you have to leave me?"  
"I didn't want to leave you."  
"But you did."  
"It's not much like I had a choice."  
"You didn't have to go get snacks, you didn't have to go out. I could have gone, we could have gone."  
"Alex it was bound to happen."  
"No! No, it wasn't. We were bound to be together, this wasn't supposed to happen."

Marissa gave Alex a sad smile, Alex blinked and when she opened her eyes again Marissa was gone. Like always Marissa had left her heartbroken.


	5. Maybe Misery

**What It Feels Like To Be A Ghost**

Okay so there are going to be a lot of things throughout this story that make sense, but don't pertain to the show. Same characters different outcomes, etc. More explanations later.

**Part Five: Maybe Misery**

Alex awoke with a start, her head throbbed as she tried to get her bearings. Looking down she noticed a blanket draped around her body, unsure of where it had come from. She could have sworn that she hadn't fallen asleep with it, but then again she was suffering from a minor hangover.

Glancing at her watch, Alex nearly jumped off of the couch; she had an order to take an hour ago. Rubbing the sleep out of her eyes, she opened the door to her office, surprised to see a boy with short blond hair and some facial hair, with a clipboard in his hand, double checking the order.

"Excuse me you are?" Alex began making her way over to him.  
"Hi, I'm Kevin."  
"Kevin?"  
"Yeah my friends call me Volchok though."  
"Okay, Kevin. What are you doing exactly?"  
"Checking the order, and you." He smirked.  
"I hired you?" Alex questioned bewildered.  
"Yeah about a week ago." A grin crossed his face, as he realized she had no idea what was going on.  
"Really?"  
"Yeah, I came in about a week ago with some friends."  
"Did you really?"  
"No, actually my friend Homer he said he talked to you or something."  
"Homer the beer guy?" Alex's conversation with Homer began to flash before her eyes.

"Thanks Homer, see you next week." Alex had said signing some papers.  
"Alex I've got a friend, who can help you out, he's a good guy…pretty good anyway."  
"Tell him to come in next week." Alex said not looking up.

"It's kind of early isn't it?"  
"It's like two o'clock."  
"Exactly….Well thanks for taking the order I guess." Alex said, taking the clipboard from him.  
"Anything else you need me to do?"  
"You can unload the cartons and boxes, I'll be in my office and then when I man the bar you can just filter throughout and see if people need anything or whatever."  
"Right-o boss lady." Kevin answered with another smirk.

Alex rolled her eyes at his comment and made her way back towards her office. Shutting the door behind her, she collapsed on the couch, faintly remembering the night before. Pulling her cell phone out of her pocket, she dialed the one number she actually remembered. She waited patiently as the ringing continued, and held her breath as the voice she had been waiting for, finally came on.  
"Hi you've reached Marissa; I can't get to the phone right now. But if you leave your name and number, I- Alex stop! I'm trying to record my voicemail!" Alex heard Marissa laugh, "I will eventually try to call you back, thanks." A beep came through the phone, telling her to leave a message but instead Alex merely hung up. She needed to hear Marissa's voice; she needed to keep her connection with her alive.

_The sun was shining brightly, not a cloud in the sky. It wasn't supposed to be sunny. Alex wore black jeans, black sunglasses, and a black fitted top. She wouldn't wear a dress, she wouldn't wear a hat, she wouldn't wear heels, that wasn't her. And although she may have been underdressed, she didn't care. To the left of her, Julie stood sobbing quietly, to her right, Summer stood crying her eyes out. Alex remained calm, not letting a single tear fall. She wouldn't do this, not here, not in front of everyone. _

_Julie stepped forward and dropped a red rose on top of the casket, followed by Summer. Alex walked up third, and placed a sun flower on top. She knew Marissa wasn't a big fan of roses, and wanted to bring her something she would like. She let her fingers trace the casket, before returning to her place beside Summer and Julie. _

_As people began to filter out of the graveyard, the only few that remained were the Cohen family, Summer, and Julie. Jimmy had taken Caitlyn somewhere, no one really had bothered to ask._

"Julie, Alex you two are more than welcome to come over to our house." Kirsten said, her eyes red.  
"Thanks, Kki that sounds nice." Julie murmured, her voice cracking. Kirsten put a supportive hand on Julie's back, and began to lead her out of the graveyard. The entire Cohen family ,except for Seth and Summer followed suit.  
"Alex you coming?" Seth questioned, his hand tightly wrapped around Summer's.  
"Yeah, maybe later." Seth merely patted Alex's shoulder and gave her a nod before following his family.

_Alex had stayed at the graveyard for only ten more minutes before making the quiet drive to the beach. She walked slowly to her and Marissa's spot, before sitting down and watching the sun begin its slow descent. _

"_I miss you Marissa." Alex murmured aloud, finally letting the tears fall. _

A knock came from the door, breaking Alex out of her memory, she was thankful for the distraction. Without answering the door opened, and Kevin popped his head in, "The band's here, they're all set up too. Also people are starting to come in." Alex nodded before getting up off the couch, and following him out to the bar.

Alex had been pouring drinks for three hours straight, before a clearly light weighted boy threw up right in front of the bar. From her position she looked around for Kevin, needing him to clean it up. She finally spotted him in a corner, handing something to another guy, and then shaking his hand. She was in way over her head, "KEVIN!" she yelled, getting his attention. She merely pointed to the mess and continued pouring drinks.

As the night winded down, Alex informed Kevin he needed to clean the bathrooms. While Alex wiped down the bar, Kevin remerged with a mop in his hand, and a disdainful look on his face.  
"Those bathrooms are gross." He said.  
"Of course they are, people vomit everywhere. Why do you think I have you clean it?"  
"Wow was that a joke?" Kevin smirked at her.  
"No just me being a mean boss." Alex laughed, she was thankful for busy nights because they prevented her from thinking about anything except the task at hand.

"How about we celebrate my first successful day?" Kevin questioned.  
"You are quite the charmer aren't you?"  
"I'd like to think so, mostly cocky." He admitted with another smirk.  
"Wow…well what'd you have in mind?" Alex asked, knowing she only wanted to go to sleep.  
"Late night surf."  
"You surf?"  
"That's about the only thing I do, do you?"  
"Yeah, haven't much lately." Alex admitted.  
"That's a crime, I think we have to go surf now." There it was again, that cocky grin.  
"Okay, I'll meet you half an hour."

After locking up, Alex drove silently back to her apartment to change and grab her board. She bypassed the memories, and kept her head clear. Quickly and with success Alex changed her clothes and grabbed her board in five minutes flat. When she drove up to the beach she wasn't surprised to see it deserted, and see a lone car with two men shaking hands outside of it. She pulled up alongside, as one of the men disappeared into the night, leaving Kevin leaning on his own car.

"You came." He started, taking his board out.  
"Yeah, let's get going." She said leading the way to the water.  
"Hold on a second," Kevin threw his board on the ground, and pulled a bottle of Smirnoff out of his bag, "We gotta warm up first." He said with a laugh.  
"I really hope you didn't take that from work."  
"Relax, I paid for it." Alex rolled her eyes at his comment, before accepting the bottle and taking a swing.

Half of the bottle was gone before they even went into the water.


	6. Look After You

**What It Feels Like To Be A Ghost**

I apologize for not updating in so long, I had actually wanted to update every few days, but I hadn't written anything, and still haven't written anything after this. I'm going to try to update every week or so though. Thank you for reading, and please enjoy. Reviews are always appreciated!

**Chapter Six: Look After You**

Marissa sat on her perch, and looked down below. Her feet dangled over the edge, swaying just slightly. Wrapping her arms around herself, Marissa tried to rid her body of the chill that was descending over her. Her eyes swept the empty beach, and narrowed in on the two figures in the water. Marissa watched as the long haired blonde took a wave with ease, and continued watching as the blondes companion took one as well. The two were well suited in the water, and looked like professionals.

The two walked out of the water, their boards under their arms. Both collapsed on the sand and began to swig from the bottle, passing it between them. Marissa continued to watch, her heart thumping in her chest. She wanted Alex to move on, she wanted Alex to become happy again, but a part of her didn't want Alex to be with anyone else. Alex was her's, and she was Alex's. That was the way it was supposed to be.

Marissa's mind flashed back to when she had come back to Alex, come home to her.

_Marissa knocked tentatively on the door in front of her, unsure of what would happen. She silently cursed herself for not calling first, or even seeing if Alex still lived in the apartment. There was no jeep in the parking lot, which only made Marissa more nervous. Knocking again, Marissa decided that if no one came she would leave. After counting to ten, Marissa turned around but stopped when she heard the door. _

"_Yeah?" Marissa turned at the sound of her voice.  
"Hi."  
"Can I help you?" The brunette questioned.  
"I'm looking for Alex." Marissa said, realizing the girl was wearing Alex's mischief shirt.  
"Alex!" The girl yelled, walking away from the door, "Someone for you!" _

_Marissa stood uneasily at the door, waiting for Alex, a million thoughts bouncing through her head. Taking a deep breath, Marissa watched as Alex's face went from smiling, to confusion, to a frown._

"What're you doing here?" Alex questioned, crossing her arms.  
"I wanted to talk to you."  
"About?"  
"What happened."  
"You made your decision."  
"It wasn't the right one."  
"You honestly think you can just come here and make everything okay? You think by telling me you made the wrong choice, it'll bring me back to you?" Marissa remained silent, knowing Alex was right.  
"Can we just talk somewhere? Please?" Marissa asked, knowing this was her last shot.  
"We are talking, why can't we just talk here?"  
"I meant in a more private place."  
"What's wrong with here?"  
"Fine Alex, we can talk here." Alex raised her eyebrows, motioning for Marissa to continue.

_Taking another deep breath, Marissa mentally prepared herself for what she was about to tell the blonde. She looked over her, knowing that Alex was the only person she wanted. _

"_Two months ago when I chose Ry-him. I wasn't thinking straight. No matter how many times I run through the situation in my head, whenever I replay the scene I always imagine it differently. I always imagine leaving with you, not you leaving. I don't know why I let you walk away, I don't know why I didn't chase after you. If I did, I would tell you, but I don't. You have to believe me Alex, you are the only one I want. You are the only one I want to be with, I made a mistake before. People make mistakes."  
"What's your point?" Alex muttered, her arms loosening.  
"I want another chance; I want to prove to you that I am the one you want. I am the one for you."  
"How are you so sure about that?" Alex questioned her voice slightly intrigued.  
"Because when I do this, you won't push me away." Marissa said before kissing Alex, not caring about the brunette in the apartment. _

_Once Alex felt Marissa's lips on hers, she couldn't deny the feelings that had been kept hidden, kept buried. Marissa felt Alex trace her cheek with her left hand, and felt her right hand deepen the kiss. _

"_God Alex, get a room will you?" The brunette said from behind, making the two break apart. _

Marissa looked down, surprised to see no one on the beach. The bottle was left discarded on the sand, empty. The scene below quickly changed, and Marissa looked down seeing the apartment. She saw Alex collapsed on the bed. Breathing deeply, Marissa slipped from her spot, and in an instant slid onto the bed next to Alex.

She watched the blonde sleep, hoping Alex could feel her warmth. As if on cue, Alex's arm raised and threw itself over Marissa. Although her arm merely slid between the air and back on the bed, Marissa knew Alex could feel her. She just hoped that Alex knew how hard it was for her to be without her.

**A/N: I don't know what I'm doing! Reviews would be appreciated!!!**


	7. Semi Charmed Life

**What It Feels Like To Be A Ghost**

Sorry for the no update lately, I'm actually in London at the moment. Going to do a tour of Europe, but it's late here, and I've been in a writing fix. Anyways I hope you guys still like this story, and still read it! Hope all is well for everyone, as always reviews are always appreciated.

**Chapter Seven: Semi Charmed Life**

Alex was drunk and not just a little bit tipsy kind of drunk, but full blown out drunk out of her mind. It had gotten to the point where things didn't matter anymore, nothing mattered aside from being under the influence and unable to feel anything. Her wishes to forget were constantly granted once she put the bottle to her lips.

It seemed that more often than not, Alex had been holed up in her office. Kevin manned the bar, Kevin took care of customers, cleaned the bathrooms, did inventory, everything that Alex should be doing. On more than one occasion, he had walked in on her fast asleep behind her desk, empty bottles around her. He took it upon himself to carry her to the couch at least, and drape a blanket over her thin frame.

There was something about her that he couldn't seem to shake. He knew she was dealing with personal demons, personal issues, but it wasn't his place to ask, and if she wasn't saying anything than he couldn't say anything. He worried about her, and even though he didn't like to admit it, he did his best to make sure she was okay.

"Hey Alex?" Kevin murmured kneeling down next to Alex's sleeping figure.  
"Hmm?" She slurred half awake.  
"Let's take a walk okay?"  
"Noooo," She drew out, "I wan sleepy."  
"C'mon this'll be good for you, I think you need some air." Kevin said, lifting Alex up.

Kevin kept one arm tightly wrapped around Alex's frame, as he walked; she more stumbled onto the pier. He led her to the railing, and she leaned against it, letting the cool night air surround her. He saw her shiver, and rubbed his palms against her arms. Alex leaned her head onto Kevin's shoulder, and he held her tightly. He noted how nice it was to hold her in his arms, how good it felt for her to be there.

"Alex yo-" Kevin was cut off by Alex's lips on his own. He hadn't meant to kiss her back, but he couldn't help himself, Alex was a damn good kisser. He pulled back slightly, and just looked at her.  
"Alex maybe I should get you home." Alex once again kissed him, causing him to pull back again.  
"This isn't right, your drunk."  
"No I don't want to go, I'm so sick and tired of being alone." Alex mumbled, before kissing him again.

He knew she was hurting, and if she wanted him to help her forget, he would. Pulling back just slightly, he gave her a cocky grin, and began to tease her by biting down on her lower lip ever so slightly. Alex immediately put her hands around his neck, and wrapped her legs around his waist. The kiss deepened, and before either of them knew it, they were back at the Bait Shop, the door to the office closed completely.

Alex lay on the couch, with Kevin snuggled up next to her. Despite having only a thin blanket over them, Alex was warm. She watched him sleep, angry at herself for letting anything happen. Angry at herself for allowing herself to be with anyone else, be with anyone other than Marissa. Alex felt tears sting her eyes, and tried desperately to hold them back. She sniffled ever so slightly, hoping Kevin didn't wake up.

But it was as if God was torturing her, because his eyes fluttered open. He bit his lower lip, and placed a simple hand on her cheek, his eyes never leaving hers.

"Are you okay?" He whispered. Alex merely shook her head.  
"C'mere." He said pulling her into his arms, "I'm sorry about this." Kevin said more to himself than her.  
"I miss her so much," Alex mumbled into his shoulder, "this was a mistake." She added barely audible.  
"Shhh it's okay." Kevin said, not knowing what else he could do or say.

**Don't Hate! I don't know what's going on, or what I'm going to do. Reviews would be appreciated!**


	8. We Were So Close To Being Close

**What It Feels Like To Be A Ghost  
**  
To everyone that reads this story, I apologize for the lack of updates. I will try to update on a more frequent basis, and update the other stories as well. Reviews would be great, and enjoy!

**Part Eight: We Were So Close (To Being Close)**

"You can't possibly know what it's like!" Alex screamed pushing him away.  
"Why not?" Kevin questioned. He put his hands on Alex's shoulders, looking her in the eyes.  
"Because I loved her more than anything, more than anyone else."

Kevin dropped his grasp on Alex, and remained silent. He watched as Alex paced back and forth. With his back to the mall, he slid down onto the ground. "You think I don't know what its like to lose someone?"

Alex froze having forgotten that Kevin was even there, "What?" she said, surprised.  
"You think I don't know what its like to lose someone? People have been walking out on me my whole life. My parents never believed in me, my brother left home right when he turned eighteen, I don't have a family Alex. They walked out on me, they shut me out, and they didn't want to deal with me. But it's not like they're gone and I'll never see them again, it's just the fact that they're alive and want nothing to do with me. So don't act like I don't know what you're going through, I mean I don't know what's like to lose someone to the extent that you lost her, but everyone that should love me, should care about me, doesn't. I've lost my entire family."

Alex was taken aback by Kevin's confession, she hadn't a slight clue that he dealt with personal demons to that extent. She walked over to him, and crouched down before him.

"I'm sorry…I didn't know." Alex mumbled, taking Kevin's hands into her own.  
"No one does. I don't like to talk about it, to think about it, to let it get to me."  
"I just want my mind to stop thinking about her, I tell myself to but my heart just can't let go." Alex's head dipped down, breaking the eye contact she held with Kevin.  
"I get it, but you know that you can't make yourself get over someone. Obviously she meant a lot to you. Just remember when your ready, your ready. You can't rush these kinds of things, believe me." He said, using his hand to tilt her face upwards.

Marissa watched the interaction between Alex and Kevin. She felt a sick feeling in her stomach, and a clear breaking where her heart beat should have been. She was going to lose Alex, she knew it. She felt herself grow envious of Kevin, and his ability to touch, and kiss Alex. His ability to be there, and her inability to live.

"I'm gonna go." Kevin murmured, brushing the hair from Alex's face. He kissed her gently on the forehead, before standing.

Once Kevin was gone, Alex stood and made her way to the bedroom. She stopped at the bookshelf for a moment, picking up the picture of her and Marissa. She looked closely at her former self, and Marissa's smile. After a few seconds Alex placed the picture back, this time putting it face down. She continued on, and shut her bedroom door, hoping that the days would become easier. Even if all she wanted was Marissa back in her life, and back in her arms. No matter how she looked at it though, life was pretty cruel.

**This was very short, but I hoped you enjoyed it! Reviews would be greatly appreciated!!!**


	9. It Never Gets Easier

**What It Feels Like to Be A Ghost**

For those of you who still read this story thank you. I know I do a horrible job at updating and I want to thank you for bearing with me! I hope you enjoy. I know a lot of you can't imagine Kevin being this way but I think that deep down he had a good side, we just never really got to see it. As always enjoy.

**Part Nine: It Never Gets Easier**

Alex rolled over onto her back and reached over blindly for the phone which was vibrating on the bedside table. When her hand finally made contact with the little moving device, she brought it to her ear with much disdain.

"Yeah?" She mumbled still in sleep mode.  
"Morning boss lady."  
"It's kind of early Kevin."  
"Yeah I wanted to know if there was work today." Alex could clearly hear a smirk in his voice.  
"You know that there isn't."  
"Oh that's right…"  
"Aren't you tired? I mean you just saw me like what four or five hours ago?" Alex mumbled glancing at the clock.  
"Yeah well I was just making sure you know about work…and maybe I wanted to hear your voice!" Kevin laughed.  
"Right Kevin, you called to ask if there was work when you knew there wasn't. What're you getting at exactly?"  
"I told you already, I was seeing if there was work today."  
"Well there isn't."  
"Okay so do you want to do something?"  
"Yeah sure, later much later."  
"I'll be there around six, get some more sleep."  
"Hopefully if I don't get anymore interruptions." Kevin merely laughed before hanging up.

Shoving the phone under her pillow Alex rolled over onto her side, tucking her hands underneath her head. Breathing in deeply she caught a light and barley there hint of Marissa left on the pillow. The smell of her was fading and Alex wondered if her image would be soon to follow.

---  
A knock from the door brought Alex scrambling to finish getting dressed, she hurriedly fastened her belt before throwing the door open. A confused looked crossed Alex's face as she looked closely at Kevin. In one hand he held a bouquet of wild flowers. Aside from the flowers he was also wearing a black polo, which was not something she had ever seen him in.

"Kevin" Alex managed out, finally finding her voice.  
"Alex," He answered simply, holding the flowers out to her.  
"You're wearing a shirt with a collar." Alex stated, still in semi-shock.  
"Yes I am," Kevin smiled easily, clearly amused by Alex's behavior. "Is that what you're wearing?"  
"You said hangout I didn't know that meant dressing up, I can go change." Alex said looking down at her white v-neck tee and dark blue skinny jeans.  
"No it's fine, you look good." He gestured the flowers towards her, "They didn't have a sale on alcohol otherwise you know I would have gotten you a bottle." He added with a smirk.

Standing aside Alex let Kevin in. While she kept herself busy attending to the flowers Kevin walked around the living room, noting that after their awkward conversation two weeks prior almost all traces of Marissa were gone. When he had spent time with Alex outside of work, she had let some things slip out. He knew not to press or even ask anything when it came to Alex's past, especially when it came to Marissa.

"You ready to go?" Alex questioned going towards the door, Kevin merely nodded before following her lead out of the apartment. The two made their way towards Kevin's car where he opened the car door for her as well.  
"So where are we going?"  
"I thought we'd go grab a bite to eat, maybe catch a show or something, I don't know we'll figure it out."  
"You planned this." Alex stated, turning to look at him closely.  
"Shut up!" Kevin laughed, starting the car.

The drive to the restaurant took about ten minutes and once they arrived Kevin once again opened the door for her. The two were quickly seated at a table in the back.

"I'm impressed." Alex said pouring over the menu.  
"Why's that?" Kevin questioned glancing up.  
"Well because you made reservations, because this isn't some cheap and dingy restaurant, because you are being very gentlemanly and because you aren't wearing a normal Kevin shirt."  
"Normal Kevin shirt?" This time a quirk of the eyebrow followed his question.  
"Kevin you're actually wearing a shirt with a collar." Alex giggled at the expression that crossed his face.

Before Kevin could retort back the waiter returned to take their orders as he was taking Kevin's menu from him, he accidentally knocked over his water, spilling it all over his lap. As the waiter flustered to help Kevin wipe off the water Alex merely laughed at the scene in front of her eyes. The waiter tried to wipe some of the water from Kevin's lap, the words, "Its fine," came out of Kevin's lips through clenched teeth. The waiter turned even redder as he realized just how close he was actually getting to Kevin while Alex just laughed harder.

As Alex watched the debacle continue, her mind brought forward a memory she hadn't thought about in a long time. It had been when she and Marissa had first begun to go out, technically when they had first gone out together as a couple.

_Marissa stood next to Alex who had one arm wrapped around the taller girls waist and they stood watching one of the local bands on stage swagger around like hot shots. As Alex whispered something into Marissa's ear, Alex felt something wet hit her arm. She turned around and saw a boy on the floor his drinking have spilled all over Marissa's back._

_The two girls turned around and watched the boy stagger back up onto his feet, while the other patrons were oblivious to what was going on. The boy was clearly drunk and began to apologize profusely for losing his footing and spilling his drink all over Marissa. He reached out to attempt to pat her dry, but Alex grabbed his arm, seizing it at the wrist._

_"What do you think you're doing?" She questioned.  
"Trying to help?" He attempted feebly.  
"Not with your hand on her ass buddy." Alex laughed, shoving him in the other direction. The blond turned her attention back to the brunette who couldn't suppress her smile, "Now let's get you home and out of those wet pants."  
_  
"That was so embarrassing, he was like this close to my crotch." Kevin said, bringing Alex out of her memory and back to the present. She shook her head and shot Kevin a smile, "He wants your hot body" she teased.

Once dinner was over, the two made their way down the street to a corner desert café and continued their evening with easy conversation. It didn't surprise Alex how much she and Kevin had in common, they were very similar but at the same time vastly different. When desert was over, Kevin got behind the wheel and started driving towards the beach.

The air was warm and calm as they walked along the empty beach, after a few minutes they took a seat near one of the towers and sat silently just watching the waves. While Alex watched the waves roll onto the sand and recoil back, her mind brought her back to the first time she and Marissa had kissed. To say it was the same spot would have been a lie, but it was damn close that much she had to admit.

"What're you thinking about?" Kevin asked, breaking the silence.  
"Just things from the past."  
"Good things?"  
"Yeah for the most part."  
"That's good." Alex thought he sounded hesitant, like he wanted to add something but chose not to.  
"What about you? What are you thinking about?" Alex questioned poking him in the ribs.  
"I'm thinking about," he paused momentarily, figuring out how he was going to phrase things, "how I wanted tonight to be a epic and memorable first non first date." He finished giving her a sideways glance.  
"Epic and memorable first non first date? Well you getting water spilled on you is pretty memorable, the waiter messing up our order is pretty epic, desert was pretty epic and memorable."  
"Thanks for the reassurance." Kevin laughed; he wanted to take her hand or to just throw his arm around her but was afraid that she would recoil.

The past few weeks they'd been spending together he couldn't help how much his feelings for her had developed. However he knew that he couldn't rush her into anything and that she had to figure out her current situations before anything were to happen. At the same time though he couldn't help how much he wanted to just take her in his arms and show her what he had to offer, albeit it wasn't much but it was something.

"Do you ever miss them?" Alex asked quietly.  
"Who?"  
"Your family."  
"Sometimes," Kevin started, "but sometimes I don't. I mean if they loved me they wouldn't have treated me the way they did. It took me awhile to understand and to accept, I think that it really fucked me up you know? I had no real sense of family and I was so reckless because I didn't care. I just did so much stupid shit, but I don't regret it."  
"Why not?" Alex wondered.  
"Because if I hadn't done those things I wouldn't be where I am today, I wouldn't be who I am today," he paused before glancing at her, "I wouldn't be here with you."

After hearing his words, Alex swallowed hard. Pulling her legs up to her chest, she wrapped her arms around them and leaned her head on Kevin's shoulder. He was taken aback by her actions, and although he questioned whether or not to put his arm around her he did, surprised that she didn't move away at his touch.

---

For the last two weeks Marissa had been watching Alex live her life, she watched her take pictures of the two of them down, spend time with Kevin, laugh, and smile. The smile Marissa had fallen in love with was resurfacing and although Marissa didn't like to think why, she was happy because Alex wasn't hurting as much anymore.

She watched Kevin put his arm around Alex and felt pangs of jealousy hit her. Even though she couldn't be the one who was with Alex, she was glad that someone was able to reach her. Except at the same time Marissa hated herself for not being the one that was with Alex. She hated the fact that she had been taken away from her life and most of all taken from Alex.

---

The Next Day

"So how are things going with Kevin?" Jodie questioned, she sat perched on the edge of Alex's couch.  
"What do you mean?"  
"Well you've been hanging out with him a lot." There was a clear emphasis on the a lot.  
"Yeah we'll we're friends…" Alex trailed off, knowing where Jodie was going but not wanting to get into it at the moment.  
"Is anything going on between you two?"  
"Jodie-"  
"Alex I know what you're going to say and yeah maybe it was a little inconsiderate of me to ask but I'm worried about you. I mean ever since Marissa died, you haven't been the same…and yeah maybe it is kind of soon to ask you if you've moved on but since you and Kevin have been hanging out you seem I don't know less sad."

Alex contemplated what Jodie had said. Spending time with Kevin was nice and she enjoyed his company, she knew that deep down there were feelings starting to brew but she wasn't sure if he was just a good distraction from all things related to Marissa or if there was really something there. Shaking her head to clear her thoughts, Alex let a sigh she hadn't realized she'd been holding in escape her lips.


	10. The Perfect Reminder

**What It Feels Like To Be A Ghost**

Sorry for the lack in updates I'm working two jobs right now and doing school and it's just hard to have any real motivation to write anything, especially when all I want to do is sleep in my free time. Anyways for those of you still reading I apologize and I thank you for the continued support. Reviews are appreciated.

**Part Ten: The Perfect Reminder**

Alex had gone out with Jodie with one thought in mind and that was to get pissed drunk. She chugged the rest of the contents in her plastic cup and smashed it with one hand to drunken applause by the people around her. Walking over to a semi secluded corner Alex pulled a pack of Newport Menthols out of her back pocket, quickly slipping one of the white sticks between her teeth. She knew smoking inside would get her thrown out but she didn't seem to care about getting kicked out. After igniting and taking a few drags, she felt her body relax. A familiar scent wafted into her nose and with a sudden urgency she dropped the cigarette and smashed it with her foot.

She began to weave in and out of the surprisingly smoke filled room that was full of bodies moving to the song blasting from the speakers' surrounding the darkly lit club. All it took was a whiff of channel no. 5 for it to send her senses into overdrive. She knew that smell; she knew who it belonged to, who it always had belonged to. Her legs moved automatically, her hands push people aside. Coming to a complete stop, her mouth went dry at the sight in front of her. Alex blinked rapidly making sure her eyes weren't playing tricks on her.

There she stood in all her glory, leaning against the bar, her hips swaying slightly to the music. Her hair hung in loose waves. Alex found herself savoring the sight even as elbows jabbed at her from all directions. The brunette met her eyes and offered a small smile. Alex willed her legs to move towards her and when she was close enough, the brunette was gone.

Ambling over to the empty bar, Alex leaned over the counter, surprised to see no bartender. Moving her weight to the heels of his feet, she scanned the club high and low. However she saw no sign of the brunette beauty that had stolen her heart years ago. The only thing that lingered was the faintest hint of channel no. 5, which only seemed to make Alex's heart ache even more than it already did. Shaking her head Alex grabbed the drink that sat on the bar and downed it entirely. She continued the process until her mind couldn't put together an image of Marissa's face.

-

"Baby you okay?" Alex heard someone say from beside her, she felt a hand slide down her bare arms and rest on her stomach. Forcing her eyes open and pushing herself into an upright position, she saw a girl leaning on one arm, with a mass of dark raven colored hair. _'Shit'_ Alex thought to herself wondering how she had gotten herself into this situation.

"Yeah" Alex mumbled scanning her mind for a name to attach to the girl sitting beside her.  
"Are you okay?" The raven haired girl asked again, concern lacing her voice. Alex merely nodded, her head beginning to hurt.  
"I'm going to go" Alex said quickly stumbling out of the bed and pulling her clothes on. The mystery girl sat unmoving, clutching the sheet close to her body, her eyes never leaving Alex's figure.

Once all of Alex's clothes were on, she turned to give the unknown girl one last look. She was contemplating what to say before the girl's voice interrupted her thoughts.

"I can be her you know."  
"What?" the blond questioned, surprise evident in her voice.  
"I can be that girl."  
"What are you talking about?" Bewilderment was etched on Alex's facial features.  
"I can be her."  
"Be who?" Alex questioned her voice rising.  
"Marissa." Alex felt her heart drop at the name. "You kept saying her name…you were calling me her." The mystery girl's voice had dropped substantially, "I can be her for you."  
"I don't even know you." Alex spit out anger beginning to boil inside of her. Without a second glance Alex turned on her heel and quickly exited the apartment.

Once she made it into the street she tried to find her bearings. Her feelings made it difficult for her to concentrate on anything other than what the unknown girl had said. Alex was disappointed in herself for being with someone else, first Kevin and now someone she couldn't even remember the name of. But most of all she was angry at herself for calling someone Marissa because no one was Marissa and no one could be Marissa.

Shoving her hands deep into her pockets Alex hung her head down as guilt and anger ravaged inside of her. She hated herself for thinking she could just get over Marissa like she was nothing special. She hated herself for trying to move on. But the one thing she hated more than herself was being without the girl her heart longed for.

**Reviews would be nice. **


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